
Clouda9: I see Seedplanter was able to coax you out from under the barn. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to do this interview.
Tom: My days are long, and to tell you the truth, I’m ticked! Your interview request was timed perfectly. Excuse my hyperventilating, but I gotta get this out or I’ll go ape. Do you know how stressful this is? Adrenaline is rushing through my veins. I can feel my heart beating a warning. Something’s going on and I tell ya, it’s ruffling my feathers!
Traffic on this road has increased threefold-what’s with these people, anyway? I’ve become a counterculture hero, thanks to Squidoo. I agreed to talk to Seedplanter, but what did she do? She wrote letters to members of Congress, for Turkey’s sake! Now half of Humanity is trying to mother me. Don’t you humans have anything better to do? Passersby gawk and point, and toss me treats. (Newsflash: Turkeys don’t eat Gummi Bears!)
One guy leapt out of his car and tried to mimic my dialect. He thinks I don’t know what the camcorders for? Doesn’t care a twit about my feelings or my future, just wants a higher rating on YouTube. It sickens me, I tell ya. Makes me want to regurgitate!
Clouda9: I know some humans can be so weird, so by adding your plight here on my blog I thought it would give you a chance to have another venue to shout out to humanity! So for today, what is the one biggest thing that you would like us to know?
Tom: “Shout” is right! My momma taught me to strut softly and carry a big stick, but sometimes you gotta raise the gobble a notch to get anybody’s attention! I would like the world to stop what they’re doing, put down their remotes, and just listen.
I am being stalked, people! Farmer’s family are showering me with psychobabble, and it aint’ cuttin’ it! They pet my neck (I hate that) and make me pose with visitors like I’m some kind of side show. It’s freaky, I tell ya-FREAKY! I heard their 12-year-old son asking if they could dress me up in a pumpkin outfit for Halloween and tie me to the front porch rail! That is SO wrong.
I want my fans out there to know that I do NOT plan to go down without a good fight. Back here in the tall grass, I’ve had a lot of time to think, and whoa boy! They’re in for a big surprise. If Seedplanter will answer her phone, I intend to share my plan with her. I get the feeling she’s ignoring me…that she’s :::sob::: given up, but I ain’t no quitter! MY CARUNCLES ARE IN AN UPROAR. Can you hear me now?
Clouda9: I hear ya Tom and I hope you know that I really do love ya’. In fact, I have a couple turkeys right here on our farm. Hey they may even be kin! Is there a message you’d like to give them? I’ll be out there later with their gourmet meal, no diet food for our guys!
Tom: HEY COUSINS! :::wave:::
Life passes by at breakneck (GULP) speed, and I hope you two realize how pampered you are. Gourmet meal? Ohhhhh, the very thought makes my dewlap dance. (I snuck up close to Farmer’s window last night, to see what Wikipedia says about turkeys. It sounds like I’ve been cheated out of some good eats! I’m tempted to make an anonymous call to the Turkey Union, but who would believe me? Most turkeys don’t make phone calls. Too risky.
Clouda9: So there’s lots of talk about the changing season in fact, just this morning it seemed the maple tree on our property burst into full-color overnight. What’s your favorite part of this season? Is that question too mean…actually I have total confidence that you can answer this with real honesty.
Tom: I have a hard time enjoying Fall, because I have to constantly watch my back, y’know? I feel at peace when I focus on my turkeyhood memories, when life seemed so much simpler. And in the spirit of the season I’m trying to count my blessings. I’m grateful for this tall grass. Glad to be outta that chilly wind. Happy the dog has stopped harassing me. And I’m VERY thankful they don’t call me Tom-Tom anymore. That was so patronizing and demoralizing. I mean, a turkey has a right to a little respect. I’ve learned how to smoosh myself flat and do the turkey crawl when I hear the screen door slam.
Oh, but let me tell you what happened yesterday. I heard hammering-not the kind that signals a new roof, but the dull thump of a sign being driven into the ground. One of my wild friends flew over it and reported in. “Bro’, you’re in deep doo-doo,” he said. ”Farmer’s printed a message in big bold letters: DOMESTICATED TURKEYS 4 SALE.”
I knew it! I am being raised for meat! All that neck-pattin’ and turkey-calling was a facade. They’re after my drumsticks!
Clouda9: Ouch, you poor thing! Tom I hate to cut call our interview to a close, you have been very candid and I’m sure you have more to say. Go ahead and give us your closing thoughts, just in case I missed anything.
Tom: I’m done with the nice guy stuff. I laid out my thoughts in my Manifesto (did you catch that? Here, let me help you…http://www.squidoo.com/turkeys-manifesto and I’m not going to grovel. Nope!
Seedplanter is working with a senator to transfer me to Minnesota, but it’s going to take a team of SWAT turkeys to remove me from the property. Under federal regulation #AC467-631-TURKEYAID-400814, I may qualify for emergency funding. FEMA has kicked back Seedplanter’s request, but we aren’t giving up. I’m not at liberty to share the details, but let me leave you with this one thought: DUNG. Apparently my dung is valuable in Minnesota.
I will be addressing the nation soon via Seedplanter. Please alert friends and loved ones with a heart for my plight. I need support, people! Not empty promises, but heartfelt wishes. Write letters. Plan a protest march. Step out of your comfort zone and DO SOMETHING on behalf of big birds like myself, who have lost their gobble. We need a voice. You are our only hope.
:::sigh:::
Bio: Tom lives in the head of Seedplanter, a fairly sane writer and nature photographer from the Pacific Northwest who’s been authoring books, columns, and articles for the past 27 years. A former Newsday computing columnist, she enjoys camping, reading, cooking, and Squidooing. Visit her Squidoo page and blog, tell her Tom sent you:
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/seedplanter
http://seedplantersporch.squidtop.com
To follow Tom’s ongoing saga, subscribe to his RSS feed: http://tinyurl.com/58jz2p
By the way, Tom’s two current lenses are:
Turkey’s Last Stand: http://www.squidoo.com/turkeys-last-stand
Turkey’s Manifesto: http://www.squidoo.com/turkeys-manifesto
Smiles are a frown turned up-side down,
Clouda9
